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The No Baby Blues

My Name is Lori and I Am Infertile: Surviving Depression Caused by Infertility Posted April 29, 2008 - 12:00 by Lori Kerrigan My name is Lori and my husband and I are infertile. Being infertile, I have often felt like, that is it, that is what I am, infertile. Not a wife, friend, aunt, writer, teacher, hiker, mom to Gizmo, etc. But infertile. It’s been a while since I felt this emotion in such a strong way, so I was surprised last night when this once constant and invasive feeling came on. Last night Michael and I were at church, and for the first time the church asked everyone to greet each other. Not an uncommon practice for church, but a first time for our church (or maybe it was the first time we were there early enough). So, I stuck out my hand, smiled and said, “I’m Lori”, and the next natural thing that wanted to come out of my mouth was, “and I am infertile”. And then, I started thinking (obsessing) about infertility, if this round of IVF would work, why the girl 3 rows in front of us is pregnant, why I feel this way, and before I knew it we were singing the closing song, and I was crying and Michael had no idea why except for thinking my 8PM date with hormone injections, had finally taken its emotional toll. 身為為不孕者,我常常覺得,就是這樣了,這就是我,不育。不是妻子,朋友,姑姑,作家,教師,徒步旅行者,媽媽, 等等, 而是不育的女人。好久以來有我都沒有感到這麼強烈的感緒了,所以我很驚訝, 昨晚這一個如影隨形, 狼刺在背的感覺又突然襲來。昨晚,邁克爾和我在教堂中,第一次教會要大家起身互相問候。這並不奇怪,但在我們的教會卻是第一次(或也許是我們第一次夠早到趕上了這個)。所以,我伸出我的手,微笑著說:“我叫洛莉”,下一句自然的跑到我的嘴邊,我差點就接著說“我不孕”。然後,我就開始想(沉迷)有關不孕症,是否這一輪的試管療程會成功,為什麼在我們前三排的女孩懷孕了,為什麼我有這些感覺,等等. 在我意會到大家在唱最後結束的歌曲時,我己經哭了起來了,而邁克爾完全不知道為什麼我哭了, 他也許想除我晚上8點的激素注射,終於影響到我的情緒了吧。 When I first found out we were infertile, it was like all my old facets had been plucked out of my character and “infertile” was smacked on. Everything I wanted to be encompassed the ability to have my own children. Everything. Nothing mattered anymore. The days were spent trying to figure out, Why me, a person who wanted to devote herself to being a mom, what kind of lesson am I supposed to be learning here? Is this even a lesson? Is this punishment? What if I do come out of this all encompassing black hole that I currently live in, what I am going to do that day and everyday for the rest of my life if I was not able to have children? Would I ever be fulfilled? Would I ever stop filling this crater size whole in my heart? Would I ever be able to stop looking at pregnant woman and have Michael turn to me, wipe away a tear, and say “one day babe, one day it will be us”? Will I ever be willing to stop trying to have baby, when will I know enough is enough, will I hear and be able to listen to God when he says, “you have tried enough”? Will I ever be able to be 100% happy for the loved ones in my life having little ones, and not partially jealous and envious? 當我第一次發現我們不孕,就好像我過去性格的一切被連根拔掉,而不孕兩個字則迎面甩了過來。我想要的東西全部都圍繞著的有能力有自己的孩子轉了。一切。其它再也不重要了。我花所有的日子去想,為什麼是我,一個全心想投入母職的人,這是什麼樣的功課嗎,我應該學嗎到什麼?或是, 這是人生的功課還是懲罰?如果我走出這個我現所在的無所不包的黑洞,如果我真的不能生, 那麼我每天要做什麼?我對生命會滿足嗎?我會停止停止填補這個在我的心口上像座火一樣大的黑洞嗎嗎?我會不再去看著孕婦, 然後讓邁克爾過來, 擦掉我的眼淚, 告訴我:“有一天, 寶貝,有一天也輪到我們的”?我將永遠願意停止嘗試有孩子,何時我才能知道夠了就是夠了,什麼時候我才願意聽神告訴我,“你己經夠努力了”?我可能100%的為親人有孩子而高興,而不帶有一絲絲的嫉妒和羨慕嗎? Who I was was lost, being a wife, mom to gizmo, professional, aunty, friend it was like it did not matter anymore. The one thing that meant the most to me was taken away. When that happens, it’s like the lights are turned off and everything you want to see is there, but in the dark. It’s like when you have a bad day with your spouse, and no matter how many good things happen that day, they are not as good as you know they can be, because the person you share them with is not celebrating with you. 我不再知道我是誰,到底是個妻子,母親,專業人員,阿姨,或是朋友, 好像這一切都不再重要了, 因為對我來說最重要的東西被剝奪了。這就彷彿你知道想要的是在那兒,可是燈卻給關了,於是一切都在黑暗中。又好你和你的配偶吵架了,於是無論那天發生什麼好的事情,似乎也都沒那麼美好了,因為可以與你分享的那個人沒有與你一起慶祝。 Depression hit hard when Michael and I first found out about our “issues”. We were sadly not alone in this. In the 1 in 6 couples in the US who suffer from infertility, depression rates for women, who are infertile, mirror depression rates of woman with Cancer and Heart Disease. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8142988) 憂鬱在麥克和我第一次發現了我們的“問題”時來襲。可惜的是, 在這方面我們並不孤單。在在美國每 6對就有一對夫妻有不育的問題,其中女性患有憂鬱症的比率,和患有癌症和心臟病的婦女得到憂鬱症的比例大同小異。 I am not sure when the depression ended, but I know why it ended. I stopped fighting this path for my life and started embracing what it could mean. >My sister-in-law called me one day and said “Lori, we want this for you so bad, but embrace it, accept that you are having trouble with it, stop fighting it, embrace that you might never have children, embrace what that would mean, mourn it, cry over it,feel it”. If she had not been through years of trying herself, and if I did not know she genuinely hurt for us, I may have sloughed her ideas off. 我不知道我的憂鬱症是什麼時候結束,但我知道它為什麼結束。因為我停止了抗拒這條道路,並開始擁抱它在我的生命可能的意義。 有一天, 我的小姨子打電話給我,她說:“洛莉,為了你, 我們多麼希望你可以懷孕,但是, 現在你擁抱不孕這個事實吧,接受您可能很難懷孕,停止努力了,擁抱你可能永遠不會有孩子這件事,擁抱它的意義,為它哀悼,為哭泣,用力去感覺它吧。“ 如果不是因為她自己也是經過自己多年的努力,如果我不知道她是真正為我們而難過的,我可能會把她的想法當作耳邊風。 But I listened. She said once I did I would start to embrace the things I could do without kids, the hole inside me would be there, but it would be less gaping. That the desire would be there to have my own biological children, but the joy in finding other things to do, to find other things to desire also, would come. I told her it sounded good in theory, but it sounded impossible. 但我聽了她的話了。她說過, 一旦我這麼做之後, 我會開始享受沒有小孩也可以做的事情,雖然內心的這個洞會一直 在那裡,但它會比較不那麼張目潦牙。想要有我自己的親生子女的願望一直都會在的,但是做其它的快樂的事情去做的願望和喜樂也會慢慢的回來。我告訴她,這理論上聽起來不錯,但是還是不可能的。 But I did it, I mourned it, I cried over it, I had many fights with God over it. I went weeks without changing out of my PJ’s or stepping outside. I went further into depression than I had ever been. And then, I started writing about it, and soon I felt enjoyment from this once creative outlet that I loved, but had put aside. I started to feel free from releasing the many emotions that were wrapped up inside of me and causing me confusion, guilt, anxiety and bleakness. Then I started feeling a little more alive again. I started thinking about what a life without children meant and realizing that I had to accept it as a possibility and if I did, what would I do with my life. 但我做到了,我悼念它,我哭了,我和上帝不斷的討價還價。我曾經好幾個星期沒有換睡衣或出門。我有過從來沒有的憂鬱。然後,我就開始書寫,很快我從這個我一直就很喜歡卻被擱在一旁的創作中找到了出口,我開始感到自由和釋放, 走出以前包裹住我的許多情感,混亂,內疚,焦慮和荒。然後,我開始覺得一點一點的復活了。我開始思考沒有子女的一生會是如何,意識到也許我必須接受這個可能性,然後想想我想要怎麼過我的生活。 Michael and I talked about it and found many things we would love to do, including adoption, but also without children. Traveling to Africa and working with the orphans out there. Spending Christmas with orphans instead of at home thinking about what we don’t have. Doing things with our career that we could not do with kids, travel more, give back more, spoil our nieces and nephews more. It’s not what we envisioned, but it got us out of thinking our life would be nothing without kids. 邁克爾和我談過這個問題,我們發現們想做的事情很多,包括收養,或者沒有孩子過一輩子。也許到非洲去帶和那裡的孤兒在一起一陣子。也許聖誕節時和孤兒度過,而不是在家裡想我們生命中欠缺什麼。做一些如果我們有小孩便不能做事業,出去旅行,做多一點的回饋,或者寵愛我們的侄女和侄子, 等等。這些也許不是我們當初的設想,但它可以我們走出了那種我們的的生活若沒有小孩就什麼都不是那種思維。 Then we were able to start thinking about what we were grateful for, and little by little, I started going outside again. I stopped crying every time I saw a pregnant woman. My jealousy and envy went down a few notches when my loved ones started getting pregnant, and my life had a new focus. I was building up me again, with the possibility that I would never be a mom. I never knew that was possible, but it was happening. 這樣一來,我們可以開始看到我們生命中值得感恩的事,並且一點一點的,我也開始走出門了。我不再每看到孕婦就哭了。當我愛的親人或朋友懷孕時,我的嫉妒和羨慕指數也下降了幾分,我的生活有了一個新的中心。我再一次建立了自我,一個有著永遠不會成為一個媽媽可能的自我。我從來不知道這是可能的,但它發生了。 The envy, hurt, tears, “why us”, anger, sad, depressed, moments all come. I think they always will, but they are less frequent, and will continue to be less frequent until we have a baby of our own, adopt or stop fighting a path of childlessness. For me, these are the things that worked in climbing out of my depressive state of mind. For others it might be different. But in general, from experience, I can say that by taking these steps, depression triggered by infertility can be manageable. Even more than manageable, infertility brings with it the ability to turn such a dark reality, into a positive catapult for things you might never have imagined or desired. 這種妒忌,傷害,眼淚,“為什麼偏偏是我們”,憤怒,悲傷,沮喪,這些負面情緒我都有過。我認為他們會永遠陪著我,但現在他們不太常出現了,我知道在我自己生小孩或領養之前, 他們出現的頻頻, 也會越來越少 對我而這, 這些是幫助我爬出憂鬱的深淵的方法, 對別人也許不同. 從我的經驗, 我可以這麼說, 因為不孕而造成的憂鬱是可以控制的, 只要你採取這些步驟, 甚至它不只是可以控制, 不孕給你一種可以把這麼黑暗的事實翻轉, 成為一種新的動能的能力 So last night, when I was at church, and the thought “I am Lori, and I am infertile” came to mind and sent obsessive thoughts through my brain until tears seeped through, I was a little surprised. But in a way it felt okay. I am infertile, it is not who I am, or what I am, nor do I want it to be a part of me, but now, it is a part of me, it might even be the worst part of who I am, but it brings out characteristics, interests, and feelings that I never knew were part of me, and for that part, I am strangely grateful. 所以, 昨晚,當我在教堂想著“我是洛裡,我不育,”然後開始無可控制的自憐自艾,直到淚水流下時,我有點驚訝。但是,在某種程度上我知道我沒有問題。我不育,這不代表我是誰,我也不希望它成為我的一部分,但現在,它是可能是最是我自己覺得最不好的一部份. 但是它也帶給我我從來不知道是我的一部分的其它的性格,興趣,和情感,為了那個部分,我覺得有種無由卻由衷的感謝。
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